Archive for the 'Laughable' Category

Kevin Smith, John Lydon and Inverse-Schadenfreude

I’m now in my mid-30s, so this is the perfect time in my life to start noticing successful, famous people in their mid-30s and wonder why I’m not as successful and famous as they are. This is an unhealthy habit that I seem to have developed in the last year or so as I entered the mid-portion of my life, but I’m sure it will pass, once I become successful and famous myself.

My most recent bout of inverse-schadenfreude happened this weekend. There was an article in the Chicago Tribune about Clerks II, and the article contained a nice little interview with Kevin Smith, the man who created the classic Clerks. The main character in the sequel is deciding whether to keep his low-paying job as a clerk and stay true to his friends, or go live with his rich uncle. Clerks II is clearly about Smith’s recent past and future in moviemaking, his own sort of mid-life crisis, and the difficulty of leaving the “View Askewniverse” behind, versus the opportunity to “grow” or move on to other movie styles, characters, and stories.

The interview nicely captures Smith’s non-desire to grow and move on. Thankfully, the original Clerks crew is back to do Clerks II, and they all know the responsibility they bear, so it is unlikely that Clerks II will be in the same category of sequel-disaster as Caddyshack II or Meatballs II.

Now, back to the inverse-schadenfreude. Regular schadenfreude is taking pleasure in someone else’s misery. My inverse-schadenfreude results in misery for me when I learn of other people’s success. Like I said, not healthy. But if you’re my age, and if you have ever listened to music, tell me you don’t feel it after reading this…

During the interview, Smith mentions that he recently held a fundraiser at his house for his daughter’s school. That’s nice, I would like to be able to raise some funds for my daughter’s school too. No problem so far.

Some famous people attended. Eddie Izzard, I don’t care, I barely know who he is. Kathy Bates, interesting, don’t care. Eva Longoria, total babe, I’m sure a very nice lady, don’t care. John Lydon, -

Wait. John Lydon? No, it can’t be! Yes, it is. John Lydon, a.k.a. Johnny Rotten of the Sex Pistols, and if you didn’t need me to explain who he was, you may be starting to feel some inverse-schadenfreude here.

So yeah, Kevin Smith is 35. He’s made a bunch of movies, he’s famous, and whatever career high points and low points he may experience in the future, I’m sure he’ll continue to create great things.

But to have John Lydon over to do some readings to benefit his daughter’s school? And to have him insult the politics of everyone in attendance? And to then ask Kevin afterwards if it was OK, because he didn’t really mean to make anyone mad??? That is just way too cool, and I know I’ll never experience this by the time I’m 35 because… well because I’m already 36.

So, true to the nature of my recent habit of being miserable when learning about the success of others, I mentioned this situation to my wife.

Me: “Kevin Smith, you know, the guy who made Clerks?”

Wife: “Sure” (she wasn’t just being polite, either, she rattled off Mallrats and Chasing Amy to make it clear that she actually knew who I was talking about).

Me: “He’s 35.”

Wife: “Oh, wow” (she knew that some complaint about his success was coming next)

Me: “He recently had a fundraiser at his house, for his daughter’s school, with some famous people.”

Wife: “Uh huh…”

Me: “And John Lydon was there! You know, Johnny Rotten, Sex Pistols, Public Image Limited! If I had him over to my house I’d be a hero! I mean, everyone I know would think I was the coolest person on the planet! It would be the biggest thing ever, people would be talking about it for the rest of my life! And Kevin Smith just has him over for a fundraiser!” (she probably didn’t need the detailed explanation of who John Lydon is either, but I had to make it clear how big a deal this was).

Wife: “Wait, you say it was a fundraiser?”

Me: “Yeah.”

Wife: “So…”

Me: “So what…?”

Wife: “So, really, John Lydon actually PAID to go to Kevin Smiths house.”

Me: “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!”

Dora The Software Project Explorer

Dora: We need to find the way to release this product! Say Map!

Audience: Map!

(Map appears with a nice waterfall on it)

Dora: Look Boots, first we need to complete construction of the software. Then, we commence debugging. Then we release! Construction, Debugging, Release! Construction, Debugging, Release!

Boots: Let’s Go!

Dora: Vamanos!

Dora: To reach Construction, it looks like we have to first get through the Fuzzy Front End and tackle Design and Architecture. Ready Boots?

Boots: No problem!

Dora: Look Boots, it’s Tico! Tico, what are you doing?

Tico: Hola, Dora and Boots, I’m investigating a new technology, would you like to help?

Dora: That sounds great! And it might help me with my project!

(three months later…)

Dora: Well, Boots, I think it’s about time we start on the Design and Architecture so we can get to Construction.

Boots: We have a pretty good idea of where we’re going though.

Dora: That’s true! Look, I see a shortcut, Construction is just ahead. Vamanos!

Boots: Whee!

(one day later…)

Dora: Boots, we’ve made it to Construction. But before we can get to Debugging, it looks like we have to implement some requirements.

Boots: Where do we find those?

Dora: Let’s ask backpack. Say Backpack!

(Some items appear, including a competitor’s product, an unrelated product, and a blank notebook with a pen)

Dora: Do you see something that would help us? Good, you chose the competitor’s product.

Boots: Let’s check it out!

Dora: Here we go. Ah yes, this product does everything ours will, and more. I’ve used this plenty of times!

Boots: I know it pretty well too!

Señor Tucan: Hi Dora!

Dora and Boots: Hi Señor Tucan!

Señor Tucan: Dora, shouldn’t you document all of the functionality of your competitor’s product, so that at least you’ll know what you need to implement, and where you might be able to innovate?

Dora: Señor Tucan, don’t worry! I know this product area! We have good ideas!

Señor Tucan: Sounds great, Dora, keep up the good work!

Dora: Ok, let’s keep going team!

Boots: It’s taking much longer than I thought to get through Construction. How will we know when we’re through?

Dora: Don’t worry boots, we’ve set a time limit!

(Six months later…)

Boots: Dora, the time limit has passed, are we through construction yet?

Dora: Well, the product has made a lot of progress, but it is certainly far from usable. We’ve still got a ways to go! Don’t worry Boots, I’ve been down this road before. I told you the time limit was six months, but I told our manager that the time limit was twelve months! Isn’t that great? You’ve got another six months!

Boots: Dora, I’ve been in Construction 24 hours a day for the past six months. You only let me sleep a few hours a day. All I eat is pizza. The only people I’ve seen are you and Señor Tucan. I don’t know if I can do this for another six months! Maybe if we backtracked to where we started, we could find a better way.

Dora: Keep at it, Boots! Look behind you, do you see a way to get back there? It took us six months to get where we are Boots, you want to head back now? Vamanos!

(Six months later…)

Dora: Don’t worry! We’ve been granted an extension to our schedule! We’ve got another six months!

(Two months later, Dora returns from a trip to a nice island…)

Dora (panicked): Boots. We’ve got to get through Construction. We’ve still got Debugging ahead, and I don’t know how long that will take, maybe a week or even more! Boots, we don’t have that much time. The end of the quarter is in twenty days, Boots!

Boots: (doesn’t turn to look at Dora)

Dora: Boots. I know it’s been a long journey. We have all put a lot of ourselves into this project. We can’t give up now! Boots. I’ll buy you one of those new Blu-Ray players and all the movies that are out for it. Boots, we need you.

Boots: And an HD-DVD player?

Dora: Yes.

Boots: And all of the movies out on HD-DVD?

Dora: Anything. We’ve got 20 days Boots!

Boots: Ok. Go to my Amazon wish list, it’s all on there already.

Dora: I’m going right now. Come on Boots, you’re a rock star! You can do this! Get us through Construction! And Debugging! By the end of the quarter! In 20 days!

Boots: Oh crap.

Dora: Boots?

Boots: Look.

Dora: It’s Swiper! Say: Swiper, no swiping!

(Swiper takes a sheet of paper from Boots, on which was scribbled a list of the remaining features to be implemented)

Dora: Boots has hidden the requirements document!

Boots: It was really more of a to-do list scribbled on a sheet of paper.

Dora: Boots, we need to find it! Do you see it? Keep looking… do you see it?

(The sheet of paper turns up in a Manager’s office)

Dora: We found it!

Swiper: Oh, man!

Boots: Thanks Dora! Only one problem.

Dora: What?

Boots: Everything on my to-do list is different! And it’s twice as long! And a lot of it contradicts the stuff I’ve already done!

Dora: Boots, come on, this is where you shine! We can’t miss the end of the quarter, Boots! You can do it!

Boots: (contemplative silence…)

(19 days later…)

Dora: Boots, the end of the quarter is tomorrow! Are we ready to ship?

Boots: YES WE ARE!!!!!!

(Boots then hands a burned CD to Dora, turns off his cell phone, and gets on a plane for a nice long vacation)

THE END!